Video: Making Sense of How the NHL Dishes Out Fines & Suspensions

By Southside Shultzie     December 8, 2011

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I know people were upset about John Carlson from the Washington Capitals not getting a suspension or even a hearing for throwing his elbow through Matt Cooke’s head.  So I thought I would make a video to explain how the NHL works to try to dispel fans anger.

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The Official Wash Your Hockey Jersey Day!

By Southside Shultzie     October 6, 2011

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I would like to once again pronounce today, October 6th as the Official Wash Your Hockey Jersey Day! The Hockey Gods have assured me that no bad juju can come from washing your jersey on this day.

Also Read:
I Know Nothing: The Official Wash Your Hockey Jersey Day Edition

WANG DANG SWEET LeTANG! (That’s French for “The Tang”!)

By Southside Shultzie     December 16, 2010

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A long time ago I thought I said something wrong, but I was mistaken. That said, I feel the need to bow my gigantic noggin and ask for forgiveness from one Kris Letang and all of his, and our, fans for…well… (let me clear my throat)…being wrong!

Last year I made note of #58’s inability to hit the net and unfairly compared him to Gonchar on the point.  I also noted that he “couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a banjo”! I also said that for him to be good he had to “spend the summer shooting pucks at a net starting with a soccer net and getting smaller from there”. Well I gotta tell you that I’m having a glass of Tang with my crow! Here are a couple of numbers that will tickle anyone’s fancy: 

His shooting percentage has improved to a 5.9% clip this season, TRIPLING last seasons total of 1.7%. His plus minus (+17) is 5th in the league! As of tonight he leads ALL Defensemen in All-Star voting and is only 2nd OVERALL to Sid Crosby AS A WRITE IN VOTE!!! That’s a lot of ink not to mention ...

I Know Nothing: The Official Wash Your Hockey Jersey Day Edition

By Southside Shultzie     October 6, 2010

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Well, it was a long Summer but alas hockey season is finally here!  Lots to look forward to including a new arena (The Powerhouse) and the upcoming Winter Classic.  Bristling with excitement I stopped by our new home office atop the splendid PPG plaza to collect my mail from the off season.  Special thanks to Rudy from Manitoba, Canadia for sending the shoebox filled with perch filets! I only wish I had been in the office in June so that I could have enjoyed them.  Let’s get down to business shall we?

Ms. Jean Whitford writes:  Dear Shultzie, how did you spend your Summer?

Well Jane, this Summer has been amazing for sure!  My wife and I welcomed a baby boy to our family late in July.  He sort of looks like Sergei Gonchar only he has tons of hair.  In fact, his hair was born a half an hour before he was!.  He is a wonderful little guy!  Kind of like hanging out with Theo Fleury…besides being about the same size: he goes to bed with a bottle, wakes up to a bottle, and he slobbers a lot.  By the way, whoever made up the saying “slept like a baby” most likely never had one because it would mean that they cried all night and crapped in their pants!  He’s 9 weeks old now and has a better plus minus than Ryan Whitney!  I think our little guy will be destined to play in the NHL.  We had him baptized last Sunday and the holy water came from Mario’s pool!  Fatherhood is an amazing thing though it has posed unique challenges.  Just last week a hockey pal of mine invited me to have a beer and some wings after the Pens beat Detroit and I replied “That’s OK I have a little boy at home waiting for me”, which seemed like a good excuse unless you were among the dozens of people that didn’t know I was talking about my Son.

Ben Dover from Montreal, Canadia  writes:  Hey Southside!  What do you think of the Winter Classic Sweater? 

First of all Ben, it is only ...

Pictures: Pittsburgh Penguins singing Karaoke at Excuses Bar & Grill

By Southside Shultzie     May 17, 2010

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The guys (and I mean ALL of them) stopped into Excuses Bar & Grill (Hockey Central) on Pittsburgh’s beautiful Southside last Friday night for some fun! I had a quick chat with M.A. Fleury and after a handshake that almost broke my damn hand, he assured me that we would be in good shape next season. It was after the feeling came back to my hand that I realized that I had just shaken the hand of a Stanley Cup AND Olympic Champion!

One of my hockey buddies had a quick chat with Billy Guerin and asked him if he was coming back. Billy replied with a hearty and believable “hell yes!”.

Sarge and Geno were about the only guys not present for Sid’s karaoke version of “American Pie”. I’m guessing they were on a quick plane out to play for Mother Russia. Brooksie and Godard had a ball as well, as did Staahlsie, Chris x2- Kunitz and Letang (Tanger even signed the lucky jar of TANG that the hockey guys have added to the shrine of lucky and not so lucky charms). Adams also grabbed the mic for some Karaoke fun! I couldn’t help but notice that Brent Johnson is quite a big guy! I think he’s one of the best backup goalies we’ve had in a LONG while.

Lange's Gang, The Flower and me with my flip flops.

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I Know Nothing – The Haves & the Habs Not Edition

By Southside Shultzie     May 9, 2010

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I’m back after an all expenses paid golf trip that included Ovechkin, Semin, and Brodeur in my foursome.  I would still be golfing but I hurt my back after falling off of the ball washer.  Anyhow during my much deserved vacation, cards and letters have been piling up at the home office so I am going to finish answering them in the order they were received:

YES, NO, Winona Ryder, 43, Basketball, Mr. McFeeley, Niagara Falls, Bobby Clarke, Liberace, Lookin’ at Lucky, 7, Good Fellas, bacon. 

And now for the rest of the questions: 

Hockeyhab writes:  Shultz, Do you think the refs are being fair?      Fair?  Yes!  Good?  No!  All of Canadia goes nuts when a Habs player mysteriously trips over the blue line begging for a call.  As evidenced in the multiple DIVING calls your guys have collected, yes I think the calls were fair!  At least your divers aren’t wearing speedos!  That would most likely result in another unsportsmanlike call! 

Pensin10 writes:  Hey Southside, isn’t it amazing that Staal has returned so quickly?      Yes Pens, much of the hockey world was surprised to see 11 back on the ice.  Not only is he back but he is looking like he never missed a stride!  I’m pretty sure he had the same doctor as Steve Austin in The 6 Million Dollar Man.  ...

I Know Nothing: Penguins vs Flyer tickets? Don Cherry is dead Edition

By Southside Shultzie     April 27, 2010

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I stopped in our downtown office last night to answer all the hand written letters sent to us. Since we are too cheap to pay for stamps, I’m answering the letters online.

Can8ENbacon writes:   Hey Shultzie, why do you hate Don Cherry so much?  This one’s easy, it’s not as much  I don’t like him, the truth is he hates ME! Last year during the cup finals I ran into Don Cherry, then I backed over him to finish the job! Then somebody yelled “Don Cherry is dead!” so I kept going, all the while giggling like a madman as I parked the Zamboni on what was left of the $5 suit he stole from Liberace!

Flyerfan69 writes: Dear Shultzie, You owe us one!      You are right! And your deodorant is in the mail. First off, I’m not going to thank you for taking care of our light work, we have home ice against everyone if the Habs pull off a game 7 win! Marty is old, as is Jackass Lemaire’s “Let’s score 1 goal and win” style!  Say what you want about how we fared in the regular season, we played injured each time we faced them. You know who owes you one? ANYONE who loves hockey! As my old pal Vivian says “BORING, BORING, BORING!” and he is right! Watching any team Lemaire coaches is more painful than tearing off a hangnail all the way up to your elbow! I loathe him and his antiquated coaching methods. Good riddance Marty and finally Jacques-ass!

PS…A big thanks to both of you for stealing my tee time,  Jacque-asses!

Filthbilly88 writes: Hey Southside, Love the show, Me and a bunch of buddies were thinking of coming to Pittsburgh for the Flyers vs. Pens playoff games but your (Pens) tickets are WAY too much. What gives?What gives? What are you Methusela? Did Benjamin Franklin baby sit your kids? We thank you for eliminating some of our light work, but we will be playing the Bruins or the Habs! Here’s what gives…go put on your 2″ thick glasses, put down the Ben-Gay, and read the following: By average the Penguins are actually toward the LOWEST priced tickets available for playoff hockey! As of right now the only arenas cheaper for playoff tickets are Washington, and Vancouver. If you still feel like “digging up” a few buddies, here are some ways you can save up enough money so that you can take your horseless carriage to Pittsburgh and catch a game in the NEXT round!: ...