Posts by Southside Shultzie

Pictures: Pittsburgh Penguins singing Karaoke at Excuses Bar & Grill

May 17
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

The guys (and I mean ALL of them) stopped into Excuses Bar & Grill (Hockey Central) on Pittsburgh’s beautiful Southside last Friday night for some fun! I had a quick chat with M.A. Fleury and after a handshake that almost broke my damn hand, he assured me that we would be in good shape next season. It was after the feeling came back to my hand that I realized that I had just shaken the hand of a Stanley Cup AND Olympic Champion!

One of my hockey buddies had a quick chat with Billy Guerin and asked him if he was coming back. Billy replied with a hearty and believable “hell yes!”.

Sarge and Geno were about the only guys not present for Sid’s karaoke version of “American Pie”. I’m guessing they were on a quick plane out to play for Mother Russia. Brooksie and Godard had a ball as well, as did Staahlsie, Chris x2- Kunitz and Letang (Tanger even signed the lucky jar of TANG that the hockey guys have added to the shrine of lucky and not so lucky charms). Adams also grabbed the mic for some Karaoke fun! I couldn’t help but notice that Brent Johnson is quite a big guy! I think he’s one of the best backup goalies we’ve had in a LONG while.

Lange's Gang, The Flower and me with my flip flops.

I Know Nothing – The Haves & the Habs Not Edition

May 09
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

I’m back after an all expenses paid golf trip that included Ovechkin, Semin, and Brodeur in my foursome. I would still be golfing but I hurt my back after falling off of the ball washer. Anyhow during my much deserved vacation, cards and letters have been piling up at the home office so I am going to finish answering them in the order they were received:

YES, NO, Winona Ryder, 43, Basketball, Mr. McFeeley, Niagara Falls, Bobby Clarke, Liberace, Lookin’ at Lucky, 7, Good Fellas, bacon.

And now for the rest of the questions:

Hockeyhab writes: Shultz, Do you think the refs are being fair? Fair? Yes! Good? No! All of Canadia goes nuts when a Habs player mysteriously trips over the blue line begging for a call. As evidenced in the multiple DIVING calls your guys have collected, yes I think the calls were fair! At least your divers aren’t wearing speedos! That would most likely result in another unsportsmanlike call!

Pensin10 writes: Hey Southside, isn’t it amazing that Staal has returned so quickly? Yes Pens, much of the hockey world was surprised to see 11 back on the ice. Not only is he back but he is looking like he never missed a stride! I’m pretty sure he had the same doctor as Steve Austin in The 6 Million Dollar Man. READ MORE »

I Know Nothing: Penguins vs Flyer tickets? Don Cherry is dead Edition

Apr 27
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

I stopped in our downtown office last night to answer all the hand written letters sent to us. Since we are too cheap to pay for stamps, I’m answering the letters online.

Can8ENbacon writes: Hey Shultzie, why do you hate Don Cherry so much? This one’s easy, it’s not as much I don’t like him, the truth is he hates ME! Last year during the cup finals I ran into Don Cherry, then I backed over him to finish the job! Then somebody yelled “Don Cherry is dead!” so I kept going, all the while giggling like a madman as I parked the Zamboni on what was left of the $5 suit he stole from Liberace!

Flyerfan69 writes: Dear Shultzie, You owe us one! You are right! And your deodorant is in the mail. First off, I’m not going to thank you for taking care of our light work, we have home ice against everyone if the Habs pull off a game 7 win! Marty is old, as is Jackass Lemaire’s “Let’s score 1 goal and win” style! Say what you want about how we fared in the regular season, we played injured each time we faced them. You know who owes you one? ANYONE who loves hockey! As my old pal Vivian says “BORING, BORING, BORING!” and he is right! Watching any team Lemaire coaches is more painful than tearing off a hangnail all the way up to your elbow! I loathe him and his antiquated coaching methods. Good riddance Marty and finally Jacques-ass!

PS…A big thanks to both of you for stealing my tee time, Jacque-asses!

Filthbilly88 writes: Hey Southside, Love the show, Me and a bunch of buddies were thinking of coming to Pittsburgh for the Flyers vs. Pens playoff games but your (Pens) tickets are WAY too much. What gives?What gives? What are you Methusela? Did Benjamin Franklin baby sit your kids? We thank you for eliminating some of our light work, but we will be playing the Bruins or the Habs! Here’s what gives…go put on your 2″ thick glasses, put down the Ben-Gay, and read the following: By average the Penguins are actually toward the LOWEST priced tickets available for playoff hockey! As of right now the only arenas cheaper for playoff tickets are Washington, and Vancouver. If you still feel like “digging up” a few buddies, here are some ways you can save up enough money so that you can take your horseless carriage to Pittsburgh and catch a game in the NEXT round!: READ MORE »

I Know Nothing: What the Puck? – Edition

Apr 10
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

I stopped in our home office this morning and started to answer some of the hand written letters that our fans sent to us, and I started to think wow, we probably have more fans that don’t have computers than any other blog on the internet. I sorted the questions by topic and decided that this morning I would answer all of the pucking questions sent to us.

8isenough - Scratched out this note from his rusty AMC Pacer at a Walmart in Landover with a brown crayon on a Big Mac wrapper: Dear Soutshide, I noticed last game that Varlamov had a red rash on the back of his neck. Do you think he’ll be ok for the playoffs? Well 8, If you remember last year’s playoff game 7 vs the Penguins, Your boy Varmie sustained 3rd degree burns on the back of his neck from the radiation coming off of the goal light! The Pens were scoring like a rich kid on prom night in a 6-2 pounding of your Crapitols! Even though the regular season was a different story, I’m guessing that scar will still burn should the Craps face a healthy Pens team in the playoffs!

99isGR8 sent: Southside, What is your favorite goal scored by 99?: This one is easy! The one Lemieux scored standing on his head!

Pensin10 - Wrote: Hey Shultzie, why have you been so tough on ‘Tanger this season? Well Pensi, as I mentioned before 58 has more trouble hitting the net than a guy shooting pucks with a mop. I’ve seen him wind up for a slapshot and the ushers in C3 duck for cover. All kidding aside he has a 1.7 shooting percentage. To put things into perspective, Sarge has a SPCT of 8.4 and half of those broke the sound barrier. I’m not saying ‘Tanger should have the shooting percentage of say Jack Ruby but a guy that gets ample time on the point during the PP should be able to hit a bull in the ass with a banjo once in a while! READ MORE »

1/2 way thru Mustache Boy McKee lightyears ahead of Fedotenko

Mar 16
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

McKee's Rockin' Stache

Is anyone else out there a bit upset about the meager ‘stache that was sported by Fedotenko? As I mentioned in a prior blog (to many ewe’s and yucks). I’ve seen more hair on a bar of soap! I’m beginning to think that we shouldn’t let him off of the hook as easily as the rest of the guys have! That said, remember back before the Southside Snowman, back even before curling was watched by millions, even before Marion Hossa departed for the Dead Wings? I’m talking about the Gary Roberts/Chuck Noriss-isms phenomena. There were people online, on the airwaves, and in every beer garden enjoying (and in some cases inventing their own) comparisons. I say it’s time to jump on the wagon and start new analogies regarding Fedotenko’s lack o’ stache! Let me start with a few and then feel free to join in! Here we go: READ MORE »

I Know Nothing – Slapshot in the face! – Hanson Brothers Edition

Mar 14
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

I’m pretty sure that ALL of you have seen the movie about a hockey team from Johnstown that leaves their home city for the east coast? Before I go on I want you all to go grab a box of tissues because this one is sad! In a true case of art imitating life, the Johnstown Chiefs are leaving Johnstown! Barring a miracle that includes procuring new ownership, the team will be moved to Greenville, South Carolina after this season. The Johnstown War Memorial might also go to the wayside since there would be no major tenant. Since 1941 professional hockey has been played in Johnstown. Teams that have called the Johnstown War Memorial home include the Bluebirds, Jets, and of course the Chiefs.

Foiled again!

A hockey fan by the name of Nancy Dowd wrote Slap Shot. When it came time to cast players Nancy suggested that director, George Roy Hill, give the Carlson Brothers and Davey Hanson a chance to play themselves. The filming was to take place in the off season, but Jack Carlson got called up because Edmonton made the playoffs. Davey Hanson took Jack’s place and Jerry Houser was cast to play Dave’s original role, “Dave ‘Killer’ Carlson.”

The guys went on to have fairly successful hockey careers though they say that they played for the love of the game and not the love of money. The guys professed that they were so broke that their pre-game meal consisted of READ MORE »

I Know Nothing – Own the Imodium – Olympic Edition

Feb 27
2010

Written by Southside Shultzie

Here’s one for the “Own the Podium” project! Or shall I say “Own the Imodium” project!

I’ve had enough of the entitlement and arrogance that the Canadian fans AND players have exhibited! Did anyone else notice how Martin Brodeur showed up a day before Canada’s first game with freshly frosted tips and an orange glow? He looked like Snookie if she were to roll around in a swimming pool filled with Cheetos! Then he answered the big question that was on everybody’s mind…how many dozens of goals would Canada score on it’s way to an automatic Olympic gold medal?

Here’s the real situation… most of the Canadian players considered this a bi-week vacation! After all it is THEIR game on THEIR ice with THEIR fans arses in the highly overpriced seats right? WRONG! I’m pretty sure not a roll of toilet paper was sold in Canada the past week or so! The balloon knots of the players AND fans were puckered so tightly that they almost forgot that a gold medal might not fit over such gigantically bloated heads!

How about their fans calling for their gold medals to be nice and shiny while the Slovenians damn near stole the booty! Pavel Dmitra will be seeing the empty net shot that he fanned on for decades! It was nice of fellow Canuck teammate Slob-erto Luongo to rub it in during the post game hand shaky shake. If you have any loot…bet HEAVILY on team USA. If you don’t have any loot, why not steal the practice medals from team Canada and cash them in for what they are worth.

Early in the NHL season many friends of mine and I were excited about Olympic hockey. We hoped that team USA would at least make it past the first round. How could a team with READ MORE »

"RT @malkin71_: Pens Fans are best- get me through next round. VOTE http://t.co/aHNJppPD #NHL13Cover"

4 days ago

"RT @jneal_18: One last push for Geno pens fans. I'd love for him to kno lovejoys first name. http://t.co/aHNJppPD #NHL13Cover #malkamania"

4 days ago

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4 days ago

"RT @jneal_18: Hey pens fans i just voted Geno for the nhl 13 cover. Get your votes in for an unbelievable player. #lazy ://bit.ly/Vote4Geno"

5 days ago

"RT @NHLhistorygirl: On this date in 1991, the 1st Stanley Cup Finals game was played at the Civic Arena; #Pens hosted the #NorthStars."

5 days ago

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7 days ago

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Posts by Southside Shultzie

Pictures: Pittsburgh Penguins singing Karaoke at Excuses Bar & Grill

I Know Nothing – The Haves & the Habs Not Edition

I Know Nothing: Penguins vs Flyer tickets? Don Cherry is dead Edition

I Know Nothing: What the Puck? – Edition

1/2 way thru Mustache Boy McKee lightyears ahead of Fedotenko

I Know Nothing – Slapshot in the face! – Hanson Brothers Edition

I Know Nothing – Own the Imodium – Olympic Edition

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